The Birthdays

*Rino: Hope you get a nice surprise :) and hope you enjoyed yourself... Couldn't do much, but sometimes small gestures mean alot eh? Hehe... Happy birthday again!!!!!!! May all your wishes come true and most importantly, don't forget about mine! Huahuahuaa.. jk. ;) Love ya! =)

*Ken: Happy Birthday dude. 19 is a great year, so hope you will have a great year ahead. Good luck for everything... Trust me, you will never want to be 20, so enjoy yourself while you're 19. :P

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Life's weird and complicated. When you're a kid, you don't have to deal with a lot of crap. But nobody warns you when you're 5 or 6 years old that life is going to be hard or difficult. It's something you have to learn I guess.

I guess I am b!tching about being an adult and having all this responsibility. No kid or child can avoid it because eventually everyone becomes an adult. I like being taken as an adult don't get me wrong but I guess I want something more out of my life. I'm always questioning the decisions I make and the things I do. I think about the people involved and not about me. Could that be the glitch to my problem?

I'm in my thinking mode again. I can't help it. Life's too short to waste.

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I'm in agony... Should I or shouldn't I? With my schedule, I don't think anyone would be able to take it, even friends, let alone, starting a relationship. I will have to find that courage deep inside me and once I do make that decision, I will need her to accept me for who I am and not tie me down. I can't be tied down.

P.S: I can't help my feeling that will go astray. But I have tried my very best to keep myself apiece. I tried, physically I am but mentally, I'm breaking apart.

P.P.S: Don't assume that I'm sad... because I'm not... for real, I'm not sad. :)

Christmas Reflection

It is one of the most happening Christmas that I have ever had in my entire life. But what I get the most out of this Christmas is the love that you could get out of friendships. It's an entirely different feeling to spend time with a bunch of friends compared to just one particular person (most probably your bf/gf). Which one do I prefer? A bit of both I suppose, but leaning towards the former. I enjoyed myself on Sunday night dinner (Thai Express, Lol). It was a one of those rare moments where we could spend some time together and it's probably going to be one of the last few, but nevertheless, we had accomplished everything that we had initially planned and I am satisfied and hoping that you are too. But as much as I enjoyed myself on Sunday Night, I got to say Saturday Night party was da bomb. I love every minute of it, although by the time, it was supposed to be Hip Hop Dance Party, I'm already half dead. Lol. Like I've said previously, I enjoyed myself tremendously this Christmas and I hope there will be many more of such christmas to come. :)

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It's good to see everything going back to normal. No more awkwardness among friends around me, no more the middle guy. And I hope it will remain this way. But what intriques me the most about this whole situation is the fact that we always make decisions that we might regret next time. People always make rash decisions and then regret it later. It's common I suppose, because I do make that same mistakes again and again. However, what we can do about it is to minimize the probability of making decisions and regretting it later, rather than always making the same mistakes. TRY to not say things that you will regret in the future, in other words, ZIP IT! or at least try...

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There was a period of time in 2002 that I totally hate. It was the period that I do not even want to remember, but ironically, the same situation in 2002 that I dreaded is happening again RIGHT NOW. so what can I do about it? Acting the way that I did back then and repeat the same mistake or try to act to the situation differently as to see a different result. Why? Why must it happen again and worse, NOW!!!! I hate this feeling... my heart wouldn't be able to take another blow. But, I can't help my feeling for wondering around. :(

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I wanted to post more Genting trip pics... but then I'm too lazy and looking at the time, I'm quite sleepy already. Lol. IT'S 6 FREAKING AM!!!!!!!! Lol....

One thing I know for sure is that I think too much. Sometimes I wonder why do I do that? Why do I always have to come up with the worst consequences? Is it because I do not want to disappoint myself since it's already the worst consequence? It makes sense really. People think of the worst outcome in the any situation first so as to not be disappointed if it really turns out to be that outcome. I hope I could change that because by thinking of the worst outcome, I'm shutting out any possibility of maybe making it better. I'm weird like that. Which is why I always tell my friends, it'll take them their lifetime to actually know me well.

I'm fine with everyone, everything and anything. If you do not know me well enough, don't bother asking me about my opinion because I won't give you any. And don't try to change my thinking. Don't waste the effort.

I do want to post some of the pics taken at Genting, but I'm too lazy. Lol.... Sorry! :)
edit: I will post some now! Lol

Let's start with my DOPE hair:



^Everyone who went to Genting (with the exception of BJon who is kind enough to take for us this pic. hehe)




^Clement & I


^Cool gang!


^Nicest group pic!


^Look at my HAIR! lol


^Who says shopping for girls only? Lol...


^Coolest Boyband in the world. :p


^Yoz... gearing up for Corkscrew


^Me & Ariel.... I will try to smile more. Lol


^ JJ & I. :)

Friendship. I am someone who does value friendship, it's one of my top priority in life, yet there are times when people think I'm into my own world and isolate myself from the surrounding. I admit I do such stuffs sometimes, but that's because it has become my character. I just can't openly express my feelings to people (even people whom I close to). I'm just someone who feel more 'comfortable' to bottle things up within me. I envy people who could express their feelings whenever and wherever they like. It takes courage, I guess I don't have that or maybe I just feel the need to remain the 'quiet' person that I set myself out to be.

I do want to listen to problems that my friends throw to me and I'm more than happy if I could be of any help. But sometimes, problems should be solved by people concerned. I don't like to have my thinking be affected by what others say (most of the time, I wont' be affected!), therefore, I do not wish to be the one who try to help, but in the end, actually give the answer to their problems.

I may not be the know-it-all guy, but I dare say that I know more than you think I do.

I'm still 'recruiting' pictures taken in Genting. Hehe.. Once I got them, I'll post some up here. :)

Back from Genting. The trip was fun. Although most of the time, I'm like a walking zombie due to extremely lack of sleep and extremely cold weather, but I enjoyed myself. As much as I enjoyed myself in Genting, the shopping in KL was just as fun. Lol. From striping in the middle of the road in the blistering cold weather to the numerous group hugs to the 'ghost' stories told to the lesson on how to smile by Ariel, one of the best overseas trips I've had.

Moving on... Some people say things without thinking. I'm not saying that those people who do that should not be blame for whatever he/she is saying, but I guess we need to give them a breather too because such action has become of their character. I do not like to have the feeling of blaming one particular person for any situations. A situation cannot be created solely from one person, that I strongly believe in. Most of them are created by more than one person and due to the conflicts among the individuals, a situation (bad one in this case) would be created. So I guess to solve all these problems, everyone really need his/her own time to reflect on your action and try to relax a little.

Anyway, time's tight. Need to go home then go to studio. Lol. I'll comtinue with my post. :)

Holiday is finally here!!!!!!!! The past week was crazy and I'm so glad it's over and having this 3-week break will definitely help me to get back to my life that has been more out of place than usual.

All good things will come to an end. I agree with that, which is why I accept everything that has been discussed. But my question is: WHY? Why when everything seems so in place, so perfect, something will crop up to screw everything up. I truly believe after the constant ignorance between the two of us, we would finally accept our flaws and accept them and proceed on to the next level, but it didn't turn out that way. Apparently, you still disagree with my character and although you say you would try to 'accept' it, you can't! I've discussed about this to you and openly here in my blog. Why do we need the word 'committment' to have a steady relationship? Is it NOT enough when both parties love each other? Why do we need a common title between us to assure our feelings towards each other? Do you need to be my girlfriend to let yourself and everyone else know that you like me? Do I need to be your boyfriend to let myself, yourself and everyone else know that I like you? "Committment" is just a word, just like "love" is. It is the action that counts. Hope you would remember that and move on.

Going to Genting tomorrow night with some of my NRA peeps (Rino, Clement, Xiang, Ken, Ariel, Big John & JJ). It's been awhile since I last went to Genting, so I'm kinda looking forward to it. =)

I'm still quite sick and my voice.. arrghh.. it's irritating!!!

Let's start! I hate it when a person apologized over what he/she said to another person the night before out of frustration - "I'm sorry for what I said last night. I was too angry already. I can't think properly. SOrry I didn't mean it." Whether he/she meant what was said is NOT important. The fact that those words were said means that eventhough those words aren't exactly what you want to say it out loud, those are the words that have been inside. Brrr... which is why I always tell her "Don't bother talking to me when your head is not clear!" What's the point really? You are making yourself more frustrated and with continous whining, you would make me frustrated as well. Anyway, hope I would see you soon.

Times flies so freaking fast that I couldn't even have the time to reflect on what has been going for the past few months. Well, take it that I've written a few entries here, but privately, I'm quite in a chaos. Sometimes I wonder is it BAD to not have any problems in life? Or at least try your very best not to have problems? Because seriously, there are people out there who are searching high and low for troubles. I guess they believe that will spice up their lives. What do one would think that he/she need problems to have a "life"? Why couldn't one be happy, carefree, with no problems, yet have a "life"?

Brrrr... It's freaking December!!!!!!! Countdown Performance is freaking near. Competition is freaking NEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm stressed!!!!!!!!!

Obstacles are always there to prevent us to reaching a certain goal without having to really fight for it. The obstacles could be anything - from your parents to your friends to your teachers to even your own ego. However, just remember that, everytime these osbtacles are cleared, you will get to live a better and clearer life - which is what most people want anyway.

Just came back from Clubbing at Liquid Room. It was pretty fun till everyone's sober and stuffs that are in their head has to come out from their mouth or action. Individually, everyone has issues over certain things. As a group, nobody seems to have issues over anything. With all the issues that everyone is having now, I really wish it would be over soon - misunderstanding cleared! I wish everything will go back to the way it was, though it's hard, I guess there's no wrong in wishing for the good. Good luck to everyone who is trying to sort out their own lives.

Joshua, Barry, Phyoe and Boon! Thanks for letting me see the extreme contrast! I totally appreciate it and you guys may not know it, I truly see stuffs in a brand new light. At least from today onwards.

Sick!!!!! It was the first time that I had to go through such a terrible banging in my head that it feels as though it was about to burst anytime. It was horrible and I really wish I would not need to have such 'experience' all over again. I will take good care of myself and sleep as often as I could. =) thanks to all those who help me k and all those msges =)

Sometimes as you think back about your past and try to link it to the present, amazingly, most of those links actually connect. Now try thinking about this! Think about your best friend in Primary School, Secondary School, JC or Poly. Do they have anything in common? At least a slightest bit in term of character and personality? I bet they do. I'm not trying to say that we find a new friend to replace old ones, but the funny thing is most of the time, new friends aren't that new afterall, because you actually see those new friends in many of your old ones, which is why you could connect to them just like you did with your old ones.

When you have gone through so much in your life, you feel as though there's nothing else that could make you shock, sad, angry, happy and blah blah blah... You feel as though you have been in this life for far too long (without taking in consideration that you have actually live only for about 20 years), yet there's always that special something or someone that could change your mind.

I know what I want. It's just that whatever I want is un-reachable.

Mouth is the scariest thing on your face. There's so many things that could come out of your mouth and to make matter worse, sometimes we don't even realize what actually came out because we simply just shoot off whatever we want through that hole of ours. A small situation could be blown completely out of proportion due to that speaking tool of ours. I HATE it when people starts yapping about his/her unhappiness to others over a certain person, and starts convincing others that he/she should also be unhappy with that particular person too. With the continuous words of mouth, people starts getting influenced when IN FACT, from the start, he/she was the FIRST and ONLY person that got problem with the other person. Mouth is an evil tool I tell you. If you can, try to zip it up as much as you can and stay out of trouble. Personally, I don't like judging people (because I myself do not like to be judges). Read carefully, I said I DON'T LIKE judging people, that doesn't mean I DON'T judge people. I do sometimes, but I try my very best not to. Furthermore, I also do not like to be caught in the middle of 'NOTHING'. It's tiring!

Sometimes, unravelling the past could be an extremely painful experience especially if it's the past that you want to forget. My past relationships were nothing to be proud of. I made one hell of a lousy boyfriend, I ain't scared to admit. I don't initiate and I can't commit. Not that I would go around cheating on her, but being 'tied' to a particular person/situation/thing is tough for me. Thinking back, there were 2 relationships that I wish I could hang on to. While others are as good as they could get.

Lol. Dang! Why am I talking about my past relationship?? hem.. *thinks hard* Oh oh yeah, I remembered! That's because whenever I told someone that I do not have a girlfriend, they would give me a twisted look and in their mind - "are you sure?" I broke up with my last girlfriend around February/March 2005, when I decided to continue my studies here in Singapore. I have been single ever since and I'm actually loving it. Because most of the time, I'm attached. One after another after another and there's no room for me to actually try to correct what I did wrong and try my best not to repeat it. And now that I do have that luxury of time and I did some thinking. I still don't think I'm ready for a committed relationship. But if you want a 'casual' one, HOOK ME UP. Lol.

The past few days have been 'gruesome' in every sense of the word. Had practice till late at night. Went home at 4:30am, and had only THREE hours of sleep before heading off the studio. The day was followed with a late night movie and reached home at about 4:30am AGAIN. And here I am today, after 6 hours of sleep, about to go for work. =X

Anyway, I've been really lacking behind in school work. I'll definitely try to catch up with it from now on. It just makes me feel bad when I think about the amount of work that I am having right now. It's scary.

I could be totally ignorant sometimes and I admit. However, that's the only way that I could move on. There's something deep in my heart that have been wanting to come out once again from its darkest hole and it's also something that I DO NOT wish it would rise again. I have tried my best and I hope the people concerned will too.

Being as old as I am (which is something that I do not want to admit, Lol) I guess it's best if I can be a strong pillar. I've been there once, so I understand.

LIME SONIC BANG
(Saturday) Didn't watch the whole show. First up was Bonafide Vintage Flav'r and I quite like them. And the performance that all of us have been waiting for: Daphne's performance. =) We were all there to support her and some of the NRA girls who are dancing with her. I was soooo excited that she's performing "Overprotected". Lol...

SAW II
I'm quite half-hearted about this movie at first. But it turned out to be a pretty good movie actually. It's quite a typical 'gore' show and although the twist in the ending wasn't as shocking as the first, it's still a twist! I would recomment this movie to everyone. :) Enjoy yourself and get freaked out.

It's puzzling to see two extremely close friends could fall out so suddenly. Drawing from my own experience, I guess it's impulse as well as stupidity. My fall out with a good friend of mine is looong a history, but when I think back, I wonder what really happened. Is it because we don't trust each other already? Or is it because we feel the need to be compete to be the 'better' one among us? I don't think my fall out is due to any of those reasons above, but I do believe it's a miscommunication at some parts as well as misunderstandings in most part. To think back, if we were to rationalize and think through carefully about whatever happened between us before we decided to 'go our seperate ways', we might have not gone through that terrible stage. I'm glad that everything went back to normal and how we actually 'got back' together. I HATE to see when good friends fall out because that incident will flash before my eyes all over again.

I'm really happy for the way I am now. I'm actually quite ashamed of what I did and how I was when I was in my early teens. The only major change that I had during my teens is the fact that I'm no longer a hot-tempered person. If you are those unlucky people who know me during Primary School and lower Secondary School, I'm sure you have suffered from my temper. And I truly apologize for whatever that I had done wrong (Well, I guess it won't make much of a difference now, but still it's always good to admit your own mistakes). This is one of the reasons why I'm so glad to have my secondary school friends. They are the one who have changed me to the way I am now. And I truly appreciated it.

I wrote all of that because here I am sitting in front of my laptop, writing this post, I am trying to reflect on everything that has happened today. And I really don't wish to go back to my old self as well as having to go through that bitter incident of falling out with an extremely close friend.