It's one of those days that my mind's been racing like mad. My life. My parents. My family. My friends. My work. Everything just seems to keep coming.

It's a great feeling to have someone whom I could truly say things to. I may not be able to pour my most sincere heart to people just yet. But I'm beginning to believe that I've been more open about my feelings compared to last time. I'm extremely glad for that.

Chinese New Year! I haven't been celebrating it for the past few times and I believe this year's no exception. Although there are some who are more than willing to spend times with me. Lol. Thanks. Appreciate it.

To EVERYONE who is having a tough time right now (no matter what your isseues are: relationship, friendship, family, etc). Do this with me. Take a deep breath. Hold it there and breathe out. Keep in mind that you have to stay positive. It's tough I know, but by staying positive. The possibility of coming u p with a solution is higher. No matter how hard it may be, the least you could do is to try! I may not understand each and every single one of you, yet having experienced the countless emtions that I've gone though throughout the years, trust me when I say things will only turn for the better if you trust yourself. :)

Anyway, a few shout out!

Becca - Happy Birthday! :) 19 eh? haha.. njoy.

Everyone - HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! get more ang paos and please share them with me. Lol. Not the packet obviously, but the paper that's inside. :)

It's been quite sometimes that I last blog. So here I am.

I guess life's been pretty good at the moment. Yes, no matter how up your life could get, there are always the downs. Yet, if we could work it out and try not to have the downs to be so overwhelming, I'm sure you would feel much better. I'm proud to say that I did try my best to do just that these past couple of weeks and it somehow manages to make me feel good and I'm extremely happy about it. What's there not to enjoy about this week? Aside from the flash assignment and the photography assignment, school work has been the minimum it could get. Shopping spree!!!!!!! Enjoyed it tremendously. Lol. Although I did feel bad that although both of us were suppose to shop, in the end, I became a lone shopper (*Stares at my friend list whose nick is: ST! Lol). Dance classes been extremely fun. Manisha and I cleared things up and I totally understand where she was coming from. And to make things better, I actually felt more confident about myself. When I told my secondary school friends that, they were like what the hell are you talking about? You have always been confident. :) Gosh, what am I crapping on about? I just want to say I enjoyed myself alot for the past couple of days.

Sometimes it's intriguing to know that although people could meet and see each other often, but yet there're always something new that we could get from them. And I'm glad to say that I was able to experience that. I guess people would only get comfortable after knowing full well of the other party. I know I do. I could only be totally 'talkative' when I know the other party's character, personality and what have you. Like I've always said, I'm always very insecure about my feelings. Er. Not really being insecure per say, it's just that I'm very worries that my feeling would get out (be known to public) and then have it affecting others.

By the way, I'm getting closer and closer into the dark territory and I'm quite worried about that. I do not want to fall into it and have a pitch black and won't be able climb up. THINK HARD, FREDY! THINK HARD, KOSMAN! THINK HARD, KWEE! THINK EXTREMELY HARD!!!!! before making that life-changing decision. :(

There is always the introvert part of me. There would always be a time when I would be abit off. There would always be a time when I feel like being alone. I can't help it seriously. So, if that part of me comes at the wrong time, all I could say is sorry. I wish I could change, but a personality is something that has become of your character and it will take an extremely HUGE effort to change it. I guess I'm being selfish sometimes and NO, i don't expect anyone to forgive me. But to the very least, I really hope you guys will understand me.

Sometimes when things get out of hand, and you tried your best to change the situation and put in a lot of effort in doing so. Yet, the effort gone to waste. It's kinda frustrating. I really don't wish to retaliate to what I have in mind in order to change the situation that I am in. I really don't. Because if I make that decision and decide to go for it, there's no turning back. Furthermore, it's a bit unfair to the other party if my final decision is based on that. I hope I don't have to.

I'm someone who love taking challenges/risks. But there are certain challenges/risks that are not worth taking.

Life after Funkamania is nothing but relaxing. It's been a long time that I could really take in a deep breath and do things in a more casual manner. Dance classes were fun. In general, I enjoyed myself so far this week and I hope it will stay this way for weeks to come. :)

Manisha - I'm not mad or anything. BUT it's pretty selfish of you to judge me without even knowing if I do make an effort to meet up with old friends. I may have new friends... in fact I have quite a lot of new friends whom I'm very close with now. But so does everybody else. Yet, you make an assumption that I prefer hanging out with my new friends rather than my old friends. It's the fact that I spend more time with them, but I have never had any preference to begin with. Seriously, when you were back in Singapore, how I wish I could have met up with you at least once. Granted that I was busy and I only get to 'talk' to you once, but when I met up with Lydia and asked if she has ever meet up with you, she herself has not, telling me that you want to stay at home to study. I don't take it personally and DON'T ask me to relax and calm down. But I hate assumptions, everybody does. And if you can, try not to expect something out of somebody. I have never expected you to give me a call, but if you do, I would be very happy. But even if you don't, I don't go around blaming anyone. Which is why I'm so glad the guys, even if we don't hang out often nowadays, yet when we do meet, everything's normal. Once again, I ain't mad and I don't take it to heart and hope you don't too. I'm just very badly affected by what you said. You know me well enough to know that I'm quite easily affected by such things... 5 years of friendships...

To all my old friends who thinks that I've neglected you. I'm sorry, but yet I just want to say I really never try to neglect you guys. In fact, it's really nice when you guys sms me and call me up to hang out or something. I would totally appreciate it. It's natural for people to expect things from others, I do too.

Really. I'm supposed to be happy. Yet I'm soooo totally affected by what you said and I'm quite annoyed by that fact.

Funkamania is finally over. I would like to congratulate Indi Dolls and Outfitters who came in in the 3rd and 2nd position respectively. Extremely happy for them. Like I have always said, winning is a bonus. Its really the process that means a lot to me. I met and know some of the most amazing people, I get to gain experiences that I have never had. Most importantly I or rather we did our very best. I just couldnt tell you exactly what I was feeling. Everything is just too mixed up for me to try to explain. I was upset, but yet what is there to be upset about really? Not getting into the Top 3? Then I ask myself do we deserve the Top 3? What makes us think that we deserve the Top 3? But to be honest, does it really matter? Becos I am truly happy for Indi Dolls and Outfitters. Last but not least, congrats to Seng Kiat for winning the coveted Best male dancer award. Think he truly deserve it and I am so glad to see him being the one up there receiving this award. =) Let just say this again - Funkamania is over. It is time to move on. Been a great journey, yet it is the moment I have been waiting for - moving on. my very first competition that I would never forget.

P.S - I am not upset, really. Like I said, there is nothing to be upset about. But being the overly-sensitive guy (it is just a nice way of being cry baby. hehe), I just could not help myself. Lol. But I am proud of myself, my group and every single one in NRA.

I actually made an entry on the 8th of January 2006. I had it up for like about 5 hours before I deleted the post. For those who managed to read it, good for you. For those who didn't, it's alright. Er... I was just trying to show my appreciation to all of those who have helped me throughout the difficult times that I have experienced the past few days. But then being a guy that I am, I find it too emo to write such stuffs. Pardon me k. :) But I hope you guys know who you are: THANKS. :)

Anyway, my condition been getting pretty bad lately. I am disappointed and upset with myself. Why does it has to come at such crucial time? Despite the various 'fallouts' that I experienced the past few day, making it to the semi final of Funkamania make up for everything. But then, I don't want us to stop at just there. I want to get into the finals and I want by the end of this competition, to gain new experiences and be more 'mature' in dancing. Winning is a bonus at this point. Everybody wants to win, I know I do, but if we make winning the most important thing in joining this competition, then I believe we totally neglect alot of other areas that we could gain from a competition. :) So go JK SCAFS!!!!!!!!!!! =)

Congrats to the other NRA teams as well - Outfitters, Lil'Brats, Indi Dolls & Danz Battalion. We've all worked hard and we all deserved it! :> So work hard too... but try not to outshine us yeah. Lol.

I seriously want to express what I'm feeling inside openly. But remember about the post that I said I deleted? I just cannot. I'm someone who keep things inside and I guess I will remain this way. But I love the deleted post that I made a few days ago. Because that was the very first time that I say my heart out. Nonetheless, I'm feeling much better, thanks to the various people who helped me along the way. :)

P.S - JK Scafs: Sorry if I've been causing so much problems and troubles. :( I will take care of myself. Seriously...

Totally screwed up my practical test. Never in my life could I be so lost in anything that I was doing. I don't blame anyone but myself for my blunder. I don't bother.. I don't make it the priority.. and I guess I 'deserve' the outcome in a way. Whatever, it's over. All I could do is work hard for the next assignments.

The last 3 days was a healing process for me and I'm glad I had these days where I could really reflect back and try to get some stuffs in place in order to sort everything out for the year. I finally have my feelings sorted out (well to the very least, know what I want and know what I don't want).

To the one who is leaving, all I could say is that I'll miss you and what we have is enough for you to be a part of my life always.

To the one who is trying to get into my life, sorry. Frienship is all I could afford for you. Hope you don't mind just my friendship. ;)

To the one whom I am trying to get into your life (just need to find the right time), let me sort out everything and I need to make sure my head is clear before I move on with what I think my life should be. Hope I won't be too late though.

It's been a good 3-days (besides my practical test blunder). But really, as simple as it may sound, it helps me through all the 'struggles' that I went through. "Slow things down and look at the bright side of things". It's tough I know. Hey, it took me one WHOLE year to listen to my own advice. :) I guess it's not worth my time thinking of the bad, while there are so many goods that you could take care of.

I have never put my study in the first priority, but never have I put my study in my last either. I really need to get back on my feet and start managing my time better. If this goes on, I will regret for the rest of my life. Give me some time, and I will definitely work on it.

A special thanks to Yvonne Huang who have helped me ALOT through my academic years. I've been a burden, but thanks for sticking up to me. :)

What would you do when you know that your heart is about to be broken into pieces? My emotions has been all over the place for the past few weeks. I'm having an extremely hard time trying to piece all of them together. How could a single person experience so many emotions at a particular time? I am NOT the best person in the world, neither do I want to be. It's because of all the flaws in me that I have to face with problems that most people don't.

Anyway, 2006 is finally here. So before I go on with my new year resolution, I should really reflect on 2005. Early 2005 was a routine for me. Back in Jakarta, working from 9am-5pm. Nothing much happening. Fought with parents, sisters over my future. Had one of the best Valentine. Broke up with my then girlfriend who left for Australia. Fought over my future with parents again. In the Mid 2005, finally came back to Singapore. It was then when I have a taste of my old life coming back. Reuniting with old friends (Secondary), meeting new friends (Poly classmates). It's been amazing. The rest of 2005 was a whirlwind experience for me ever since I joined NRA. It was sooo 'crazy' that sometimes I wouldn't even have the time to take in a deep breath. Got to do what I love to do - dancing. Met some of the most interesting people in my whole entire life, esp. Yvonne, Ariel, Chien Yen & Daphne. :) Met some of the most outgoing bunch of people - esp Yvonne, Orange & Rino. Met some of the most 'crazy' bunch of people - esp. Terence, Dou, Ken, Joe, Xiang, Glen, XF, Deline, Jess and most of the other NRA peeps. Met some of the 'best' dancers (in my eyes at least) - Big Ann (our instructress), Allegra, Alex, Wang Qing, SK. :) It's an event that, although sometimes I feel that it has taken its toll, but at the end of the day, I feel that all my effort is worth it.

So a new year resolution... Well, I tried to come up with something but I can't. I guess, I will stick to the old boring line of mine that I have come up with every year: "I hope 2006 would be a much better year compared to 2005!" How much better? I guess that would really depend.

Funkamania is near. Only a week away. Am I nervous? Yes, I am. Am I excited? Yes, I am. Funkamana is something that all of us have worked hard for, and it would be the chance to showcase our hardwork. Am I as stressed as I used to be? Happy to say that I am not. I have calmed down a lot, thanks to the various peeps who have helped. So what I do expect from the competition? I guess primarily, I want the exposure, the experience and the opportunity.