So here I am again updating my blog at 6:30am... And NO, I didn't wake up early, it's just that I have NOT even slept yet! So much so for being sleeping early... AGAIN!

So what did I do from 1:30am till 6:30am (5 hours) alone in my room in front of my laptop, you wonder... To be honest, I wasn't doing anything much. Well, I chatted. Listened to music. Watched anime. Took photos. Use Photoshop. And that's about it. For FIVE hours, those were my activities. I do hate myself for being so caught up in my own emotion sometimes that my mind would be clouded with words. Ok. Hate is a strong word and I don't mean it in that sense.

Oh, I was blog-hopping too. So far, I'm really intrigued by what people post in their blogs. To me, blogs have always been a place where they want people to get something out of them - something that they want people who read to find out. There are people whom I would love to approach to ask about their posts so as to avoid assumptions, yet I don't find it necessary either. They have their own lives, they can lead their lives in any way they want to. I have no right to disrupt that unless they want me to. To all bloggers (esp. those on my friends list), no matter how much blogs could be your way of putting things that you don't quite understand, all I could say is: I understand. :)

Oh some of the pics that I took earlier on. Er, well yeah... Here they are:

The past few days been 'busy' I suppose, if I can call it that. No matter I always enjoy holiday because it is the period of time where I could totally 'relax' and have no other things bothering me besides myself and a couple of others.

People always think they're the 'weirdest' person on Earth and that noone could understand them. Yet, have they ever wondered what makes them think so? Do they even know themselves well enough to be certain of what others think of them are wrong? Personally, I know I'm different! Well, you can say that everyone is different. But who cares? Because I know why am I different? Do you? I have always told myself this: I do not need anyone to understand (even my closest friend), but i do not wish to be misunderstood (especially from my closest friends). I would rather be NOT understood than misunderstood. For those people who understand me, great! :) I'm glad for that. For those who don't, either you want to find out or you don't! Leave it as that.

Nobody likes to fail... Who in this world could truly tell me that they won't mind doing something that they know it's going to fail? Yet, the satisfaction that one could get out of trying is worth a try, at least to me! However, I am not someone who will take risk just for the sake of it. Yes, risks will always be risks and it takes a lot of courage to take risks!!! When it really comes to a time that I need to, I would. If that's the decision I've made and whatever the end result would be, I would be able to gladly take it and move on. Everyone needs to move on...

I can truly understand where she's coming from. But I'm actually quite 'happy' with how everything goes at this present moment. I will try harder and I do hope you would too in order to make me feel easy being with you since I know you.. as in REALLY know you. Time is one of the most important factor.. and I hope it will be on our side. I can't be a typical something that everyone expect me to be since I'm labelled this term. I can't. And I apologize for that. Yet, I want this to happen and I hope we could try harder from now on. Because I know I would. :)

I would be truly disappointed in the other person AS WELL AS myself if history is to repeat itself (sorry, I know it sounds extremely corny!) For once, I HATE when people making assumption. I HATE when I'm misunderstood. Therefore, I have tried my best not to give others such impression of me. YET, if our speculations are true. I'll be truly upset. For now, I will smile.

Let's do this together: SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Geting ready to go to school to rush 2 projects which both due tomorrow!!!! Last minute... I guess that's what makes my life so interesting/exciting eh? *wateva*

In my whole life, there has only been 1 person who could totally affected me totally - my behaviour, my mood, my action, my mindset!!!! and Now, comes another one. I really hope it won't be like last time, because I know I won't be able to take it.

I wish I could smile widely and be happy every single day. I WISH...

There will always be times when things happen again! and again! and again! And it gets really sickening to the point that you really wish you could get out of it in ways that you could have never thought could be used. I'm sick of situations in which will make me totally unhappy, have a mood-swing! I have always told myself, I'm not affected much by whatever that is happening, yet I don't know why everything has to repeat again!!!!!!! Family............ Family........ I love them..... yet,...!

I have reached a point in my life that I could not look back. I want everything to move forward. I have chosen or rather the two of us have chosen that path, so I do hope whatever we had for the past years could be left behind. Not that I don't treasure what we had, but sometimes, when it comes to a time when it's just too painful to hang onto, I would choose to let go. Call me a coward. I don't mind. But a decision is a decision. I won't back out on my words. Ok. I may have been an ass. Yet, I have not come up with a way to solve everything and I don't want to provide something that I know I will regret later. Why don't we just move on?

It's amazing how people could talk for hours and hours. Well, i'm not totally amazed, yet I am a little taken aback. Lol. But who cares. I enjoyed it. But anyway, most of the time, we agreed with our friends (good friends). Maybe not totally agreeing to whatever he/she is saying but most of the time we could agree to most of them. But why? I guess that's because good friends have alot in common which is why they're good friends in the first place. YET, when it comes to a point that the agreement is going round and round and stuck in a circle, ntohing can get out and nothing could come in. I would say that would be quite an 'unhealthy' situation. Everybody should have their own mindset. Having the same mindset in the same nutshell will get you nowhere. Having an agreement within a group doesn't neccessarily make the situation to be a true one. That's because we see things in within our liking and not others. Neglecting other's mindset is not right either. Ultimately, we should just accept that everyone is different and everyone thinks differently. As long as he/she is not a bad person, accept it, yet if you are not comfortable with it, then do something about it, so that unhappiness won't occur.

But the past few days have been sad, yet extremely relaxing and happy at the same time.

Sadness is the emotion that lingers the most, much more than any of the others and certainly longer than happiness. It stays with people longer, it's more provocative. It lifts your spirit in a strange way because it inspires you to think about your existence. So this entry will contain the emotion that is deep inside me. So here goes:

I don't like stillness/silence when I'm in the company of one or more than one person. For those who know me (well enough), you will notice that I will make pointless remarks, stupid topics, beat around the bush just to avoid that, unless of course I don't give a damn about he/she. When you reach a certain level of comfort with each other, anything flows and that is what I like being in the company of others. I have never cared what others think of me: mature, childish, arrogant, friendly, overly-friendly, sensitive, playful, talkative, quiet, lazy - all these have been used on me. The irony is those adjectives used to describe me are so diversed that they actually cancel one another out. Which brings me to the point that everyone will see me differently and they have their own views on me. Yet I don't feel the need to make them understand me more if they choose not to. Everything has a reason and only I know the reasons of certain actions or behaviours that I portrayed. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW, ASK! DON'T ASSUME. If you don't bother to ask, f*ck off!

Everyone has his/her own problems. They go through phases that everyone else might not understand. I have friends who broke up with their girlfriends/boyfriends and are currently going through the healing process. I have friends who lost their loved ones. I have friends who think they are the most idiotic/flawed people in the world. I have friends who think that they have no friends in this world (yet I call them friends). I have friends who have suicide on their mind. I have friends whose self-esteem are so low that he/she feel like ants living in this world. Single-handedly, these are the people whom I will try to help if they given me their trust and a chance to. I'm not perfect (nobody does), but if trust is given to me, I will do my best in order to make things better. I go all the way. Yet when everything clashes, everything will backfire on me. Am I sick of it? No, I'm not. Because I care.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with treating people nice. Ok, let's get this clearer: treating girls nice. If they're my friends and I care for them, I will be nice, definitely. Yes, there are always a chance when some girls will think that I'm interested in them because I care for them more than what they think a friend should. Yet, should that stop me from being nice? I'm not an asshole, per say. That one I'm quite sure. I don't play with people feelings. I say it like it is. I don't linger. I don't give hope. I don't provide suspense. I don't need all of that to make my life even more chaotic that it already is. I can be very direct and I know tons of the people who hate me for that. Yet, should I be bothered by it? I don't care who hate me, because I don't give a damn about them. I care for those whom I care for and that is enough. Lol. BUt actually, that is not my whole point! When Von asked me that. Something else came to my mind: Why am I so misunderstood? Yes, I'm complex (this is NOT a good thing). Sometimes, I don't even understand myself. Therefore, don't assume and just look on the surface. Dig deep inside me, you'll discover lots that you would never have thought you could find.

It's 4 in the morning, yet I can't seem to get myself on my bed to sleep. It's always at this period of time when my mind's racing like crazy.... I wonder what can I do to make my life's more worth living? I wonder what can I do in order to change myself in order to make myself a much happier person? I wonder what can I do to forget? I wonder what can I do to lead this life that I gladly take? I wonder....

The past? How many of us could actually look back and truly tell ourselves that we didn't regret what we did in the past? I know I can't, because there are tons that I regretted... But past is past and I don't believe digging them up in the present. Even with your assurance that you're fine, but deep down, there's a lil' something in you that you regretted! Don't tell me you don't because if I were in your shoes, I know I will. Booooo.... I don't know if I have dug out the past... the more 'painful' one for you... If I did, then I apologize. Not because I tell you, but simply for keeping it from ya... :P cheers... the world would be a better place...

A fresh new start... I decided to take it and I will do my best to keep it.. to cherish it.. to do all I can to make it worthwhile.. to not repeat the same mistakes I did in the past... to stay positive in order to bring happiness... Yet, with this new start, I hope everything that I have loved for the past few months will not gone to waste. I hate changes... but the change for now is something that I am willing to take, because I find it worthy. =)

School ending and yes, I am looking forward to it... will finally be going back to see my family... after 1 year of not seeing them... can't wait...

P.S - I don't ask for much.. I just need communication... good or bad... it must flow. ;)

Everyone loves doing what they like doing. Everyone loves doing something that they think is cool. Everyone loves doing something that they think others will think it's cool. Everyone loves doing something that they think is gonna bring out the best of them. If everyone has the same mindset. Where's the fun in life? Where's the challenge? Who's gonna do the dirty job? Where's the balance? I admit, I fall under that very same category that I'm putting down, yet, when the time comes, I may or rather I think I will try to face the challenges head on. Ann told me before: "Everyone would want to be in their comfort zone. Everyone wants to look good, look cool on stage, doing the best and coolest choreo. Yet, it is those who try to challenge themselves that will go far in the industry." For someone who have seen it all like Ann, I trust her and agreed with her. Yet, there is always a part of me that want to follow the crowd. Which individual do not want to be with a crowd? Even introvert has moments that they WISH they could have company and I'm no exception. I don't mind taking risks. I don't mind challenges. To be honest, I don't even mind trying all the things that she asked me do. Yet, all I ask for is a balance. A balanced equation is important in everyone's life. :) To others, I may look good doing it and I also have that feeling where I know I can do this well, yet when you don't really have the feel for it, confidence would be lessened by alot. I guess this is what they are talking about: "Dance is a passion". When you have no passion for it, no matter how good you are at it, all is lost. BUT I DON'T MIND TRYING. Just want to make that clear. Lol.

Do you ever wonder what is the person beside, behind or in front of you is thinking? By nature, everyone is curious? Everyone would want to know what others are thinking about? Yet, do you also ever wonder if you get to know everything about what the others are thinking about? Won't you feel lost with all the bombardment of words or thoughts? Sometimes, like everybody else, I hated my life or rather LIFE in general that I would blame myself for being who I am today. Yet, when life gets so routine-ized (I know there's no such word, but wateva), I would feel even worse. Without curiosity, where's the excitement? I wish I can get to know what this girl thinks about me. I wish I can get to know what my teacher thinks of me. I wish I can get to know what others think of me. Yet, being able to do a guessing games is also fun as hell.

I...Personally, I think I'm the most flawed person in this world. Er, ok, maybe I'm not. But I have put such a high standard on myself, I would blame myself on every single things that isn't right. Well, I may not show it physically, but I know I am feeling it inside. No. I'm not suicidal, neither am I under depression. BUt sometimes, I really do wonder, how much of such information I could store in my brain and for how long.

ANother question is: WHy do I always post unhappy things (ShiMin asked me)? Simply put, whateva I wrote may sound/look unhappy, but in contrary, these are some of the most memorable things that I wish I won't forget in the future. I mean that is the whole point of having a blog isn't it? To me, it is.

Just got back from Partyworld and here I am alone in my room (as always) feeling extremely lost. Why am I lost, you might ask. I tried my best to come up with a reason, yet I can't. I don't know about you guys. But do you ever feel like your heart is heavy and your mind runs wild, yet you can't pin down the exact reasons for doing that? I guess that is what I am feeling now and I totally hate it.

Anyway, went over to Orange's place for Mahjong session (although I didn't get a chance to play) yesterday and I definitely enjoyed the company that I had. Had a long conversation with Von and I get 2 things.

1) Life's too short, you have to live it and live it well!
- Sometimes, people are so afraid to take chances that they will tend to miss that perfect opportunities to make something wonderful happen. I had lots of missed opportunities in the past. Do I regret? To some, I do. Yet, when I think about it now, there were some pretty valid reasons as to why I did not take that chance. So who is to blame for that?

2) Life's too short, don't rush it so as to avoid disaster!
- Now what's this contradiction? Certain situations that people are confident about, they would tend to overlook on the aftermath of it and thus taking action rashly and resulting in a disaster. Personally, I have experienced it too. Back then, being the naive me, I would do whatever I could to get what I want. In the end, what I initially thought is not something that I really want.

Conclusion: So if these are the 2 things that I got from my conversation, what should I do? (sorry von, I'm still concluding. Lol)

Everybody would wonder why is the other party whom I'm conversing with on MSN took so long to reply, I know I do. Yet, although it does affect me (so as alot of other people), I don't let it bother me too much. Genuinely, people are busy and cannot reply in the speed that we want them to. Even if they do not reply because they do not know what else to reply or don't feel like replying, just let them be. I have my fair share of such experiences and I'm not ashamed to say that I do that to people sometimes. Yet, I have my reasons and I'm sure those who do that will have his/her own reasons. Replying late doesn't equal to hating someone, so don't think too much.

There are so many people who are so willing to listen, to care and to advice me. To say the very least, I'm so happy to have them. I will. Gradually, I will be able to talk openly and when it comes to that, I know I would be a much happier person. As for now, don't worry about me. I can manage.

SO here I am at 3am, still up! Well, the empty promises made about wanting to sleep early gone just like that. Speaking about empty promises. One way or another, some of us will experience it. Empty promises is a negative thing no matter how you look at it. There are people who could argue that giving someone hope will keep them alive even if it's a false hope - thus empty promises. To me, that is bullshit. If you can't achieve what you set out to do, then why make any promises in the first place? Instead of trying not to hurt someone else's feeling, empty promises are made. Yet, nobody realizes that in the end, somebody's still going to get hurt. Personally, I prefer to get it (being hurt) earlier rather than later.

How do you measure low self-esteem? Someone who sits at one corner, not interacting with others? Someone who dares not to speak up for him/herself? Someone who keeps quiet all the time and always in his/her own world? I don't know about others but to me: as long as I know myself well enough, feel good about myself, I don't give a damn what others have to say about me. I don't live in this world to be Mr. Popular. I don't intend to join any popularity contest. I am not someone who is out there to try my best to let every one to like me. I have a strong character which is something that I can't deny. If you don't like it, to hell with you. Yet, I don't go around making enemies. One needs to know when to step forward or backward. If you can do that, I can guarantee that no matter how low your self-esteem is, you'll improve gradually. I have always been an introvert at heart, to say the least, I understand. ;)

I was out of line on Thursday. I was just too frustrated with everything that is going on. A pluck on my anger cord, I just burst. I apologize if I offended any of you guys. The least I could say is I didn't mean to shout. :)

It's weird sometimes that the least unlikely movie could affect me quite as much as those artsy-fartsy movies which guarantee viewers to exercise their brains. Watched "I Not Stupid Too" this evening and well, to say to the very least, I enjoyed it. Yeah, U know I've always said that I would not waste my $9.50 to watch any Asian films. But I only spent 7 bucks on this movie. Lol but that's of course besides the point. The storyline is not the most important thing in this movie. Everybody can guess what will happen to the 2 main characters in the movie and how the ending would be. It's a very predictable movie, yet why do someone like me who always give movies an extremely tough passing grade, would enjoy this movie? Firstly, everyone's been a teenager before. What I would say is I could relate. Hey, I know my life story isn't as dramatic as the two characters', yet what I could relate is their relationship with their families. How have I always wondered why does my parents leave me with an Indian family to be raised till I was about 7, not raising me themselves? How I have always wondered why do my parents think by giving me all the things I want I would be satisfied? How I have always wondered why they would force me to come Singapore to study 7 odd years ago, yet do not want me to have my life here? How have I always wondered they always say that they care and they miss me and that they would come and visit me, yet out of those 10 promises only 1 will come true? But of course, parents aren't always at fault (which is what I think the movie lacks of: balance!). I haven't done anything that would make them proud of me? I have not given them any chance to truly understand me? I have not given them a chance to be a part of my life? Dodgy subject isn't it - family? Lol...

Chinese New Year. Well, I would say this year's one of the better chinese new years I've had, just basing on the fact that I got company this year and I'm very glad for that. =) I have never celebrated Chinese New Year, well at least since 4 years ago. What's there to celebrate? Besides getting the angpaos, all chinese traditions that should be practiced during this occasion are already lost? What's there to celebrate when the authenticity of it all has already vanished? Nevertheless, to have company during such occasion (regardless whether I celebrate or not) is a blessing. :)

Moving on to a totally different subject! What is this deep shyt hole that I have always talked about? My friends would ask, what is that? What is it that you do would have you ended up being there? Then I ask myself and get a response: "Shyt, I don't even know what is this deep hole that I have always talked about". It's true that sometimes we say or think about stuffs without realising that we don't even know what the heck we are talking/thinking about. Sometimes, it's really tough when you know that you would definitely not be able to change this one thing that always make your heart bleeds. I have always told myself that I wish I could change. I WISH. Yet, even when I write or say that, I know I can't. As time goes, my heart becomes more fragile up to the point where I need to put a sticker - "Be Careful. Fragile" on it. NO. I'M NOT SENSITIVE OR AM I OVERLY SENSITIVE. It's not about that and nobody would understand because in this world, only I know. And what a burden to carry.

Do you ever experience sitting in front of ur laptop, smiling to yourself. Chatting happily... Listening to happy songs... telling yourself to think about the happy things that have ever happened to you... yet, tears just come rolling down? Lol. It's weird, isn't it....